we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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