No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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