I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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