it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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