The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
