bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
