please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
