dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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