he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
