Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You have to summon your inner elephant
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
