he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
