I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
