he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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