Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
sarcasm needs its own font
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
