somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
