im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
