Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
