Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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