2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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