I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
