first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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