I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
