i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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