Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
