Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I enjoy the company of your penis
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
