I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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