She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
