I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
