I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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