With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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