the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
