My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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