That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
