Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
