I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
