Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
