I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
