also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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