Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
