guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
