he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
