I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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