Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
