I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
