between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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