I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
