need another drink. this is the easiest way
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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