I am full of burrito and curiosity
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
