Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
