Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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