They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
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Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
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Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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