I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
