This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
