I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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