Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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