FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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