I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
high people should be assigned attendants
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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