This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
